It is common for women in abusive relationships to feel ashamed. They often blame themselves for not recognizing the abusive behaviour sooner. They blame themselves for staying so long in the relationship. They feel they must be weak if they can't leave or that they didn't leave sooner. They often feel guilty for still loving their partner even after all the abuse.
It is important to understand that all of these feelings are NORMAL. And they are nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. The first thing you need to do is forgive yourself.
It's okay to grieve the loss of the relationship, even if it was toxic and abusive. Allow yourself to feel whatever emotions come up, and deal with them. Just don't let them stop you from moving forward.
Grieve, cry, get mad…. and then move forward. Take care of yourself for a change. Forgive yourself. Acknowledge the scared, vulnerable little girl in you and then help her grow into a beautiful, strong, independent woman who is in control of her own destiny.
All of these things will take time, and maybe some help. There are many local agencies that can help you figure out your emotions. They will provide you with support, encouragement and advice. They may have just what you need to help you embrace yourself and become whole again.